As with all forms of male gender-policing, though, there’s this impossibly narrow target you have to hit: you’re weird if you don’t jerk off, but if you get too into it, if you start really enjoying yourself and having a good time… that’s even weirder. … This notion is absurd, of course. As someone once said, “A wank is a poor substitute when what you really want is a fuck, but when all you want is a wank, it’s perfect.”

My settled views on fluids and solids: fucking is usually over-rated in the reality compared with the fantasy; wanking is vastly under-rated; but not so under-rated as pissing after a bloated bladder and a fiber-enhanced Morgenscheisse.