Apple hater extra-ordinaire and Microsoft cheerleader/secret employee Paul Thurrott has finished bashing the next iPad. Comparing it to the “so mind-blowingly awesome” Windows 8 tablets. Thurrott insists that the new iPad does not have Metro interface, therefore it is so boring, stale and outdated. In addition to that Thurrott chides Apple for doing a miniscule update to the iPad. “Nothing revolutionary” says Thurrot, but then he added “I’m going to get one so people see that I do not hate Apple.”

Secret Apple hater and Chief TWiT Leo Laporte is still bitter over being Gizmodo-ed by Apple. “I have undisputedly the most popular Apple-news podc….. netcast out there. I also have millions of listeners on my AM Radio show.” Laporte also insists that Apple’s closed-ecosystem of iOS devices is bad; as he waves the flag of Open Source Software. “Android is an Open Source Project. I support Open Source! Open Source is the way to go.” Speaking of supporting Open Source Software, Laporte proceeds to bash WordPress and promotes the not-Open-Sourced SquareSpace.

Rob Enderle is currently having mini strokes while calling the next iPad that he has not even seen an overpriced hipster status symbol.

Microsoft CEO Steve Balmer proclaims that Windows 8 Tablet is already years ahead of any iPads. Balmer then says: “The iPad does not run Windows 8; not the current ones, not the next one. Everybody will flock to Microsoft Store and buy Windows 8 tablet instead of iPad!” Balmer then throws a few chairs at random directions.

Gizmodo is calling the next iPad a huge fail of a gadget. Gizmodo says that they don’t need to be invited to any Apple events. They don’t care about Apple products. They only cover it because their readers want to know about Apple products. Gizmodo prepares to scour live reports from other sites and have a pretend live coverage.

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endofsarcasm