This is not Shakespeare writing a play, it is him writing down things that will be unoriginal people’s Facebook posts.
You all have at least one of these pain in the bitter people as a Facebook friends. It’s not the boring pictures friend, or the promote their child’s terrible talent recital friend, or the overshare about whatever “procedure” they are having that I don’t want to know about friend, or the brag about their vacation to Hawaii for two weeks so I am aware of when I can rob their house friend. No the “special” friend I’m talking about is the inspirational “quote” friends. You know the ones I’m talking about. Every little quote they find on the internet or they hear from a friend or whatever part black hole they get quotes from, they have the need to post on Facebook. Not just one or two an hour either. We’re talking about the type that appear on your wall 40 times between any other post from anyone else.
“Uhhh, this is the worst day ever. Wait…what is this inspirational quote on Facebook? Oh wow, now this is the best day ever! Thanks inspiration quote!”
Just so you know, I am not going to be in the midst of the worst work day I’ve had since yesterday, pull up Facebook, read that “inspirational quote” that Alfred Einstein never said and all of a sudden puke rainbow colored unicorns. Not going to happen. I will probably just be more bitter. So thanks for that Facebook quote queen or king for that.
Luckily, I realized that I had a talent other than bitterness that I am going to share with you today. I have the ability to take any quote and deconstruct and Bitterize it. Below are some examples, and as a (paid) service you can send me a quote, no matter how inspirational, or upbeat and I will be glad to Bitterize it for you. Only $5 per quote.
My special talent? I take inspirational quotes and break them down and Bitterize them.
These are just a few examples from our front desk that is required to put a quote on each of the out of office reports:
“Without fear, there cannot be courage.” – Christopher Paolini
Quote Bitterized: “Without sleep, there would be no naps.” Mr. Obvious
“Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.” – Albert Einstein
Quote Bitterized: “That is just absurd, and the definition of impossible is that it can’t be done. Weirdo.” Bitter Ben
“It is much easier to be brave if you do not know everything.”
― Lois Lowry
Quote Bitterized: “It is also much easier to be an idiot if you don’t know everything…soo,” Bitter Ben
“Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it.”
― Abraham Lincoln (also Pollyanna)
Quote Bitterized: “And that is a bad thing?” Bitter Ben
“I would rather fail in a cause that will ultimately succeed than succeed in a cause that will ultimately fail.” -Woodrow Wilson
Quote Bitterized: “Sounds like you just want to fail like I do all the time.” Bitter Ben
“The desire to reach for the stars is ambitious. The desire to reach hearts is wise.”
― Maya Angelou
Quote Bitterized:”Stars are like a billion miles away. Why would I go to space just to reach a dying planet? And what, you want to perform heart surgery? Gross!” Bitter Ben
“Don’t find fault, find a remedy; anybody can complain”
― Henry Ford
Quote Bitterized:”Finding fault is great, complaining my forte. Remedy? Do I look like a doctor to you?” Bitter Ben
“Hang in there. It is astonishing how short a time it can take for very wonderful things to happen.”
― Frances Hodgson Burnett
“Yes great things happen when I just hang in there. Like hanging on a pull up bar.” Bitter Ben
“If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth the writing.”
― Benjamin Franklin
“Or star on a reality show that is rotten.” Bitter Ben
“Sometimes the little things in life mean the most.”
― Ellen Hopkins, Glass
“Ants are little, bees are little, mosquitos are little. Mansions are big.” Bitter Ben
I could go on, but then that would interfere with my nap time. So you know, leave your favorite quote, I will bitterize it, put it on a T-shirt, and sell it to you for $20. Cause I do bitter things for people. You can insult me later.
Arrrrghhhh
Bitter “Misquoted” Ben