Alex has perfected the bitter face.

Next up in the Bitter-Ben-is-finally-out-of-our-lives-for-a-little-bit tour, is Alex from Only Bad Chi.  We have pretty much figured out that we are soul twins, because she is as bitter as I am.  She blogs about many things that irritate her like men, guys, males, and people getting in the way of her food.  She’s agreed to take the bitter mic and drop some funny up in here. I pretty much figure that as soon as I get back, this blog will be a desert wasteland, and her blog will be the life of the party. Just don’t talk to her at the party, because she hates talking to people almost as much as I do. Without further ado, her bitter take on rules.

“Rule Breaking Bitterness”

I was so honored when Ben asked me to write a bitter blog guest post, because I worship him, his blog, and his bitterness. At first, I couldn’t think of one bitter thing to write about. Because I’m literally bitter about EVERYTHING. How ever could I choose? That’s like putting an alcoholic in a liquor store and saying, “just pick one.” But then, it struck me. Rule breakers. I have so much bitter hatred towards them–people who think the rules don’t apply to them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in rules. For the most part, I think they’re baseless. However–when they serve a legitimate purpose and/or when everyone else has to follow them or will get in trouble, then every individual should have to abide by them.

For example, when someone cuts in line. Do you think I like standing in line, sir? Do you think I’m just doing this for kicks and giggles? NO. What makes you think you’re above the line? I have to pee just as bad as you. I’m in just as much a rush as you are to get out of the grocery store and home to Netflix. I’m just as eager to eat whatever delicious food we are in line for. I’m just as desperate to get a drink in me at the bar. What gave you the idea that I’d enjoy staring at the back of your stupid head and your accompanying neck fat? FALL BACK.

Or when someone cuts you off in traffic. What makes you think I want to be behind you? You clearly didn’t enjoy being not in front of me, so why is it cool for you to cut me off so I then have to slam on my brakes, and the food I’m inevitably trying to eat and coffee I’m trying to drink spills everywhere, and then I have to lick it off my car seats because I don’t believe in wasting food, the only thing I know to be holy? Why do you think traffic doesn’t apply to you? What do you gain by getting ahead of me? You’re still stuck in the same mass of unmoving cars on their march toward death (or Costco, whichever comes first. Which is probably the former more often than not if we’re talking people on their way to Costco (it’s not just the items they sell there that come in ‘bulk’)).

Or, similar to line-cutting, when you’re at a restaurant where you’re supposed to order at the counter, then get a number, then get a table, but table space is extremely limited, so someone takes an open table before ordering and then saves it while they send their friend up to order and get a number. Yeah, it’s really too bad that there aren’t enough open tables, but what makes you more worthy of one than the person who’s patiently and considerately waiting in line to be a paying customer first? Nothing, that’s what. You are not special. In fact, you’re kind of the worst for taking a table without paying first. You think you’ve scored because you’ve gotten the last table–to you, it’s a win. You know why? Because the rest of your life is pathetic. You don’t win in any other aspect, so you have to win here, even if by cheating. You probably live in your grandma’s basement and live off of her social security checks. You probably cry when you jack off, eat nothing but Cheetos and drink nothing but Mountain Dew, and have a long past-receding hair line. Guess what? I don’t care. It’s not my fault you’re a loser, ergo you don’t get the table by default.

There are so many other instances of rule breaking that make me endlessly bitter, but in the interest of not wasting too much of your time, I’ll just say that I think it’s appropriate to institute vigilante justice in these situations. I’m taking back my place in line, I’m taking back my place in traffic, and I’m taking back the table that’s rightfully mine (or, if you won’t leave, I’m sitting down with you at the table. Get comfortable–I went to a lot of camp as a kid, so my knowledge of campfire songs is INFINITE. It’s about to get Kumbaya up in here). It’s time we all channel our wild wild west mentalities (but not the movie, though–that was terrible. Ugh one more thing to be bitter about).

ARRRGGGHHH

Alex from Only Bad Chi

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