When I was grew up I was a natural athlete. I could run like a slug, jump like a turtle, and watch sports on TV like a full grown man. Because I was tall(ish), I was forced to be athletic in basketball. I kind of hated it in seventh grade, mostly because all the kids I couldn’t stand at school were on my team and were always telling me to get out of the way (both in the games and in the hallways), but once I got on a team at the YMCA, where the other kids I played with were terrible, I started enjoying it more.

Just tonight I witnessed just how bad the game of basketball can be played. I have a son in third grade that had his first game and he and his teammates were terrible. No defense was played. Traveling and double dribbles galore, and a few of them were putting up airballs. I mean come on, how are they going to compete with Lebron and Kyrie Irving on Saturday if they don’t get some defense going?

Similarly, these giftures better stop bouncing around so much if they want to beat yesterday’s post from scoring all over them.

Especially this guy…

…who isn’t quite understanding that we’re not playing soccer here.

And this guy…

…is also not quite getting the header concept.

And these guys…

…who’s only shooting was daggers at each other.

And this kid who was trying to get the jump ball…

…but instead did the jump fall.

And this guy who teach us…

…how to properly get a foul call.

And this future Jerry McGuire…

…will write a mission statement and lose all her clients.

And this is one of her future clients…

…that will choose San Diego over Denver.

Well…

…at least someone on the team knows how to play defense.

And nobody…

…wants to mess with this guy on defense. 

And this kid…

…such a quick learner.

And these kids…

…will leave you in the dust.

And someday…

…you can learn to ball like this guy.

Now that I’ve brought you through my 12 step program of learning how to be an superior athlete like me, you should be able to replicate all these fancy moves and be able to take on Kyrie and Lebron in your game tomorrow. Either that or make an epic move that might be featured on next weeks giftures. Make sure to record them and send them my way to bengardner2000@gmail.com and you will be featured!

ARRRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Baller Ben