That whole expression about taking candy from a baby is really kind of obvious. First of all, the little runts really aren’t supposed to be eating candy. Especially in those vital first years. And if they are trying to eat it, you are just doing a service for them. Candy  would rot all their teeth if they had any and if they didn’t they would get even more hyper than they already are. And making babies stop crying should be the goal of all of us, and by all of us, I mean their parents. The parents are the ones that brought them into this world, they are the ones that should shut them up, especially when I’m around. I don’t need to be hearing that stuff.

But giving candy to a baby, now that is what we should all do, but only when we are just getting ready to leave. Now that is an easy thing to do, as opposed to doing Friday Giftures, which is hard, but here you go anyways.

Here’s something just as easy…

…when someone tries to give you salad, you send it back.

When someone tries to hug you…

…you slide right out of there.

When someone tries to shut down your interview…

…you trap them in the door.

When someone plays right into your prank…

…you laugh at them mercilessly. 

When someone sits that close to a fence where a ball could come…

…expect your expensive drink to be spilled.

When your pizza is late…

…you send it back (just kidding, why would you ever send pizza back?)

When life gives you a piano…

…you play it the worst you can.

When you are terrible at math…

…you get right out of the way of the dean when he is trying to honor someone who isn’t terrible.

When you are at work…

…you find any apocalypse as an excuse to leave early.

When you exercise…

…you should know nothing good ever came out of it.

When going up for the dunk…

…just learn to be patient when you are slow mo jamming.

Most importantly, when crossing a river…

…always make sure you slide awkwardly for your friends to make fun of you.

It’s really quite easy to forget how easy things are until you remember how complicated babies make everything. They always want to be cared for, they always want food and they can never even change their own diapers. And they worst part: they all grow up and become people. Maybe they shouldn’t think of taking candy from a baby as an easy thing.

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Candy Stealing Ben