As the old man in the cave in Legend of Zelda said to Link, “It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this.” He was just being nice and handing Link a sword so he could survive all the weird acting animals in the world, but I think his advice is pretty strong today. It is definitely not safe to go outside. There are dangers everywhere like the sun, the moon, fresh air, and no couches. It seems like everytime someone leaves to go outdoors, something happens. So if you must, grab a sword, because that is the only way to keep safe from weird acting animals. Clearly some people didn’t heed my warning, because there is no shortage of Bitter Friday Giftures.

As soon as this guy stepped outside…

…nothing but trouble. 

Ever feel like Indiana Jones…

…as soon as you step outside? 

Saving the day…

…seems out of the question. 

Running outside…

…just gets you nowhere. 

Flipping out…

…does you no good.

Camping is never…

…not a disaster. 

Even jumping…

…is much harder outdoors.

The wildlife…

…is way wilder outdoors. 

Backpacking is…

…nothing but a burden.

Exercise…

…outdoors is pretty useless.

Even Sasquatch…

…prefers the indoors.

Well, at least we finally found…

…the best outdoor attire. 

So in conclusion, make sure to avoid danger at all costs. Stay indoors, don’t go camping, run to the safety of your couch. Or at least walk.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Danger is not my middle name Ben

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