Most of the time the only reason I follow the news is when I do research for my Bitter News from the Couch. And I only follow the stories that make sense to make fun of. When I woke up this morning, my wife told me about a story I absolutely needed to write about. Have you heard of the cat? The one that was thought to be frozen to death only to have been revived by a team of veterinarians? Talk about nine lives. Our family cat growing up had those same 9 as it disappeared for three months, only to appear in our backyard much worse for wear. In honor of cats defying death over and over, let’s see some people defy it in gifture form.

If this was a cat…

…it would have been life #1.

For a cat, this would…

…have only been a flesh wound.

Cat would have…

…just landed on its feet for this one.

Cats would have just felt like they were…

…sitting on a heater.

Cat would have…

…dove like this just to avoid the water.

Cat would have…

…just thought this was just a fun toy.

Cat would have just…

…taken both those fishes.

Cat could have flown the sleigh to the North Pole…

…but couldn’t be bothered to do so.

Cat would have…

…scared the human off the bed.

Cat would have let the human…

…fall into the pit and perish.

Cat would have known…

…not to try to go outside.

And most of all…

…cat would have known to stay home for this one.

Unfortunately, humans aren’t survivors like cats and don’t have nine lives and usually end up doing things like going outside in subzero temperatures and doing things like skiing, sledding, and skating. So stay frozen people and go do things outside. I for one, will be smarter than you and cats and staying indoors as much as possible.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Frozen Cat Friday Ben

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