I would get an MTV cribs style home, without allowing anyone to tour it.

Most of the spring and summer when I was unemployed, I dreamed up different ways to pay the bills. Most of them involved the lottery, Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes or starting a very successful YouTube channel. They were all long shots, but at the time, so was getting an interview that would actually seem like a job that would want me and I would want them.

In the meantime, something popped up in my email that sounded interesting. HGTV has a contest every year for a dream home that is designed by their team of dream home experts or something. Anyways, you could enter the contest once a day on both HGTV and somewhere else, so I thought I would at least give that a go while I was fruitlessly applying for jobs.

Everyday I entered twice. I had no idea what the house looked like, or where it was located, but I figured we could rent it out or sell it to curious customers as a B N B and make enough to cover the taxes and make a little money.

In the end, as always in my bitter life, I didn’t win taking the lazy way. I did make me curious though. What kind of features would I want in MY dream house? Of course, it would probably be designed with my family in mind, because apparently they always come first.  But if I could get selfish for once, what features would I include if it was styled in MY way?

Like a subway car, but just in my house.

How Would I get around? 

If you don’t know already, I’m lazy. On the other hand, I want my house to be big. So there is the matter of transportation (IE. how I get around).  Since I will spend most of my time in the theater room (more on that later), but sleep in my bed three stories up, I will need to find a way to get up there. Clearly an elevator would be required for situations when I could haul myself to the elevator (though I could install it in the theater room for easier access), I would still need to get into the bedroom easily. There are a few ideas on how I would do it, but I’m thinking a tram or trolley like Disney uses to get me from place to place around the house.

What to eat?

Pizza, of course.

I didn’t make up the whole we have to eat and drink to survive thing. Humans are just so weak that they need power ups and potions all the time. Since I will again be in the theater room all the time, I will need food from a faraway kitchen, which I guess the rest of the family cares about. To me, as long as food is near me, I don’t need a kitchen. I despise ordering people around, but I don’t have any issues with ordering robots around. I guess maybe I will need a robot advanced enough to be able to be close by enough where I can demand he make me a pizza or sub sandwich, whenever I am in need of fuel.

How to appear in Public? 

I’m invisible.

Since my mansion will be paid for by the generous donations of HGTV or Publisher’s Clearing House, or YouTube, I won’t be needing the stupid excuse to appear outside thing, called a job. But if every once in a while I am forced to face the sunlight and toxic fresh air outside, I will need some sort of cloaking device that makes me appear not like 1000 year old wizard. I would really appreciate a closet that would make it appear like nothing is wrong when I go outside. Not so much that I care what I wear looks good on Instagram, but more like I fit in enough so no one has to speak to me. If there were some sort of clothing that camouflaged me into looking like a normal human that didn’t need any special attention or need to be talked to, I would like that wardrobe every day, as long as it is comfortable.

Well, that is my list of demands. I know Publisher’s Clearinghouse is on the verge on knocking on my door, so just whenever you can make it, that would be great. I need people to get to work on my theater room.

What are your dream home needs?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Dream Home Ben