The buyout provisions of Major Applewhite’s first contract with Houston are something to behold.

If Houston were to fire Applewhite, the school would owe him the base salary — $650,000 — for each year remaining on the deal. But if Applewhite were to leave, he would owe the full $1.5 million — that’s his base salary plus “non-salary compensation” — for every year remaining on the deal plus any buyouts owed to assistant coaches not retained by the new head coach.

Hell’s bells, no wonder Junior’s not coaching there.