I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?

Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It’s simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it.

You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him and hand it to him.

If I had a mine shaft, I don’t think I would just abandon it. There’s got to be a better way.

[For one more last extra page of Deep Thoughts by the legendary Jack Handey, you just have to click]