i hate raiSINs. no really. no, not like you do, i mean really hate them. yes, i hear that you feel like you hate them, but in comparison to me you pretty much like them. in fact they may be your favourite poison food.

you don’t believe me? well, let’s do a little test, because there are three kinds of people who say they hate raiSINs [and only one kind is a true ‘believer’]

[1] you ‘hate raiSINs’ but you like them in stuff? REALLY? What are you on? You’re a fake. Have met so many of you who will make the absolute statement of ‘I hate raiSINs’ but then follow it up with the caveat [a word i am using incorrectly, just because i like the sound of it, the rest of the sentence tells you exactly what i mean, carry on] of ‘but i can eat them in bobotie’ [or some other food] No. You don’t get to call yourself a raiSIN hater!

[2] you ‘hate raiSINs’ but you like them by themselves? WHATAREYOUON? Because really i think that’s even worse. I’m allergic to flour so I can’t eat bread but I can eat spoonfuls of it from the bag. It makes no crazy sense at all. But yes, you are out there. “Can’t eat raiSINs cooked in stuff but you like them by themselves, or let’s be honest, mixes with peanuts.” Woergh! Not true!

[3] Group 3 is those of us who really do hate raiSINs as in gag reflex the moment we bite into a ‘choc chip cookie’ and know instantly that we have been tricked. As in can’t eat them in things OR by themselves. As in we have noticed that the word raiSIN contains the word ‘SIN’- coincidence? i think not. More like a co-sin-cidence! [that’s not a word] If you are a true raiSIN hater then welcome to the club.

You still are probably not as much of a raiSIN hater as me, but you are acceptable. I say ‘you’re probably not’ and stick to it unless you have three or more of the following:

# started the ‘I hate raiSINs group on Facebook [nope, that was me!]

# had a ritualistic raiSIN-burning ceremony in a park with two friends late at nite [it was for a friend’s 18th birthday video]

# developed a theology of why the tree in the middle of the garden of eden was actually a vine and the warning to Adam was about fruit gone bad [grapes to raiSINs] with actual verses to back it up that i chose to stop telling the one time i saw a group listening to me a little too intently [like they were actually believing me]

# written a song about raiSINs, got it recorded by a friend of yours in the Brothers Streep band and got it on an mp3 playlist where voting [by friends] took it above songs by groups like Just Jinger, GoawayPolisiekar and Goldfish… so charted above some top SA bands on a meaningless friend-affected chart

# wrote a sequel follow up song called ‘Sultanas’ [the evil cousin of the raiSIN] as a parody to the song ‘Informer’ by Snow and recorded that [by same Brother Streep friend]

# wrote a third anti-raiSIN song to the tune of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody [Bohemian RaiSIN-Die!] which i never found a band to be able to perform the music of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody for [yet] and so it still waits…

so yes. i think i win. but it’s not about winning. it’s about hating raiSINs. and listening to this song called the ‘Squishy Fruit Conspiracy’ which for a very short period of time had me ranked above some very important bands. and Steve Hofmeyr.

If you send me one of these you will be much loved.