We got married December 28, 2012

You may come upon a day, or days, in your marriage where you reach the end of yourself and may even dare to say aloud in an empty room: “I don’t want to be married anymore.” You might even say it twice so God knows to take you seriously. This might sound utterly shocking, or, utterly familiar. To the former I say, may you always get along and resolve conflicts well; please don’t worry if you feel scared or hopeless if ever you find yourself in that room. To the latter I say, it’s difficult, isn’t it?

I had a day like that recently, around Valentine’s day, not yet 14 months into my marriage. I felt tired from trying so hard, from not knowing what to do, from doing everything wrong, from doing things right and still doing it wrong. I stormed away from an honest conversation that hurt me where the unfair truth hurts you and made my bed on the couch. I thought it would be a good idea to pretend to leave the house in the middle of the night to make him panic, but as I lay in wait, I heard no rousing from the bedroom. As I got closer, all I heard was snoring. “What’s wrong with you?!?” I blared and huffed back to the couch.

As I pretended to sleep the next morning as he left, he planted a big kiss on my cheek before departing. My head hung with melancholy as I ambled around my office, and I’d hide in the bathroom on my break, trying not to cry because it would turn my whole face red, but crying anyway, Googling “I don’t want to be married anymore” on my phone looking for help.

And somehow, we came together. Our individual evening plans fell through and we went to dinner. I still wanted to have dinner. And even though I acted chillier than the weather, something in us both melted: he, persistently, patiently loved me – not indulging me or giving me everything I needed or wanted – but was just there loving me then in spite of myself, trying. Maybe I could try too. And then, somehow it was better. And then it was more than better. And I felt calm again, and maybe even a little happy.

I don’t have a lot of wisdom, but one thing I have lived: God comes through. Most especially when you can’t. And that’s the ultimate unfair truth.

[To read a Marriage Year 3 story and be introduced to Ruth and Philip Boshoff, click here]