<![CDATA[The Wit and Wisdom of Erma Bombeck]]>

#Bombeck #ErmaBombeck #humor #funnyquotes #quotes #quotations #housework #family #children #marriage

Erma Bombeck (February 21, 1927 – April 22, 1996) started writing weekly newspaper columns in 1964 for $3 apiece. By the 1980s, she was one of the most popular columnists in the United States, with articles appearing in over 900 newspapers and with annual earnings of nearly $1 million. Her observations about daily life as a housewife covered almost every conceivable topic. Her words were filled with laughter, tears, and wisdom. Consider some of the wit and wisdom of the great Erma Bombeck.

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me.’”

When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Men who have a thirty-six-televised-football-games-a-week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
There were really only two men I knew who ever got a laugh out of paying their income taxes. One was cheating the government and getting away with it. The other had a sick sense of humor and would probably have set up a concession stand at the Boston Tea Party and sold sugar cubes and lemon slices.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop offs at tedium and counter productivity.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
I question the value of name tags as an aid to future identification. I have approached too many people who have spent the entire evening talking to my left bosom. I always have the insane desire to name the other one.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anybody?
There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don’t know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Housework can kill you if done right.
The odds of going to a store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
He who laughs … Lasts.
It is upsetting to many parents that their teen-agers introduce them to their friends as encyclopedia salesmen who are just passing through … if they introduce them at all. I have some acquaintances who hover in dark parking lots, enter church separately and crouch in furnace rooms so their teen-agers will not be accused of having parents.