Cross stitch pattern of Zebstrika from Pokemon. This pattern is a special Will o’ Wisp pattern for the month of May for my patron, That Dragon. If you want your own custom pattern, head over to my Patreon.

Grid Size: 94W x 101H
Design Area: 6.57″ x 7.07″ (92 x 99 stitches)
Colors: 9

Did you know my Patron, That Dragon, isn’t actually a dragon. No one knows for sure, but rumor has it that they’re a parrot polymorphed into a dragon by a curse. The only way to break it is to trick That Dragon into saying “Polly want a cracker”, but you know that’s never going to happen.

These past few years have led me to doing a lot of thinking, a dangerous pastime I know. It’s one of those things that make you face the possibility that you could be wrong about something. And I’ve been wrong a lot. I was wrong about my religion, my sexuality, my gender. I was wrong about who I am and it’s scary to think about how long I went not knowing, believing a lie.

And it’s made me think about those things that I’ve built my life around and do those things really deserve my devotion?

And, of course, I’m talking about vinyl waifu figures. What else could I be talking about?

Yeah, it might seem obvious, but I’ve realized that I can like a show or a game without buying any merch for it. Scandalous, I know. I used to feel that somehow I was a bad fan if I didn’t buy figurines or shirts for my favorite shows, that I wasn’t being supportive. I would go to cons and not buy anything in the dealers room, then feel almost as if I had missed out on something even if there wasn’t anything I wanted to buy. I guess I needed to tell myself it’s okay that I don’t actually like merch. I don’t like plushies and pins like when I was in high school.

I think that maybe I used to like buying things. It used to be that when I bought a new pin or manga, I would show it to my friends and I would get that feedback that I was part of  the group. We were all weebs together.

But now I can get that feeling just from sharing in my friends’ purchases. I get so much more happiness when someone tells me they bought something than I would ever get from buying it myself.

And it’s not because I don’t want things. I like stuff. I like games. I like watching anime. But appreciating stuff alone is so much harder for me than when I’m with friends. I don’t laugh as much. I don’t pick up on subtle details.

I don’t remember things when I’m alone.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been disillusioned with buying things. I look around my room and most of this stuff is just stuff. It’s not part of who I am and I have to let myself admit that it’s okay that it’s not. It’s okay to not buy things if they don’t make me happy.

But as I strip away all these things I’m not, I wonder what’s actually there. Have I just been clinging to nerd or gay culture because I lack an identity of my own? Do I really have my own identity if I depend so much on other people? I guess what I’m worried about is that I’ll dig deep down and I’ll find nothing but a very confused skeleton.