What’s next? <— That question plagues me. Every second of every minuet each day, I ask myself that question. I’ve pondered it and despite that, I still don’t know the answer.
I’m surprised with myself that I’m still doing YouTube. I can be flaky. I easily get big ideas, imagine greatness, and then never follow through. Creating videos involves a lot of work. I stress about it, but it is very enjoyable. I push myself to new level to get videos out. Even when I was sick I managed at least 1 per week.
I feel great doing youtube. BUT there is a part of me that is scared that I am wasting my time. I spend hours creating videos and I wonders if it is possible to turn this into something. That thought is paralyzing because I don’t know what I can or want to turn it into?!
It takes time to create the videos. I put a lot of things on the back burner because I want to make them.
It takes time to build an audience. I have a 5 year plan for this channel. That is a long time to commit to something, especially when you don’t know what or if there will be a payout in the end.
I think everything happen when it happen because it is suppose to be that way.
I wanted to be a YouTuber for years. I didn’t start my channel because I was scared of failure. The what-ifs paralized my actions.
Then I moved to Belgium. I mentally prepared myself for all the things the could happen. I had experience moving to a foreign country, so I was confident in my preparation. Except life never works out the way you plan.
All the problems I had in France, I still have in Belgium, but in different ways. The language barrier was always an issue when I lived in France. I’m mostly fluent in it, but there would be situations where I didn’t have the vocab to communicate.
Once I got kidneys stones. The pain was so bad I drove to the hospital. When I arrived they asked me what was wrong. I didn’t know the word for kidney or stones, and the woman didn’t speak English. I got through it, and survived, but it was difficult.
My lingual problems in Belgium revolve around effectively speaking the language. People speak English, so there isn’t that adapt or die mentality that I had in France. If they don’t speak English, they know French, and if they don’t know either, my Dutch is good enough to understand what they say.
None of this is useful if you are looking for a job. I need to speak Dutch. I’m in a catch 22 of being in language classes that take up my time and I hate, or getting a dead end job that will eat up my time, where I may or may not improve my lingual skill. I’ll be making money though.
If I am honest, that is the reason I started YouTube. Sure I might crash and burn, but If I am successful my future looks a lot nicer. I think that is why I was able to push through the fear and get in front of the camera.
I got through it and it wasn’t that scary. Right now I feel like I’m at the edge of a cliff.
I want to be a published author.
I see YouTube as a stepping stone. It helped me connect to other creators, writers, book lovers, and amazing people. It might lead to great opportunity, or it could lead to a dead end. I guess we will have to wait and see.
However I realize now that if I want to be a published author, than writing need to be my priority. Which means Youtube is taking the back seat for awhile. There is a part of me that feels sad, and terrified, because I don’t know if this is going to make my channel suffer. At the same time, I know I don’t want to be a film maker, as much as I like making videos.
The month of February I am going to let YouTube take a back seat, while I work on CIS. I’m stepping out of my comfort zone, and trying a bunch of new things. I’m scared, but also excited.
I’m trying to look at the possible failure as trails that I know don’t lead to success. Detours are always pretty. All I will need to do it turn around and find the main road.
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