Conquer Money!

Money isn’t the key to happiness? Ever seen a sad Leprechaun?

Conquer the World!

Become a worldly world traveler without leaving the well-worn ass groove in your couch.

Conquer Education!

Get your GED by cramming an entire high school education into twenty or so pages.

Conquer Selflessness!

Show those smug, altruistic bastards you’re the most charitable SOB on the block.

Conquer Your Rage!

Beat your anger management issues into a bloody, shapeless pulp.

Conquer Philosophy!

If a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound? Find out why no one cares.

Conquer the Wild!

Punch Mother Nature in the babymaker.

Conquer Disaster!

Look cool while fleeing a river of lava.

Conquer Your Fat Ass!

Hint: it’s right behind you.

Conquer Babies!

How to raise a child while ensuring they never become better than you.

Conquer Sex!

Learn all three positions!

Conquer the Environment!

If we don’t protect the Earth now, what will we leave our grandchildren to destroy?

Conquer the Best Seller List!

Get rich writing a bestselling book just like this one.

Conquer America!

Earn your citizenship by acing a test no natural born American could ever pass.

Conquer Religion!

Nourish your spirituality, or at least find something to do with your Sundays when it’s not football season.

Conquer your Demons!

Become friends with your alcoholism.

Conquer Your Body!

The key to health is realizing your body is your enemy.

Conquer Your Face (with hair!)

What your facial hair says about you.

Conquer Space!

Because that’s where you’ll live when the Earth explodes. Hope you like food in pill form and look good in a space suit.

Conquer Politics!

Give back to your country by forcing your values on everybody else.

Conquer Time Travel!

Rule #1: Don’t go back and make out with your grandmother.

Conquer Mythical Creatures!

Just because they don’t exist doesn’t mean you shouldn’t prepare.

Conquer Your Homophobia!

Only Grandpa gets to be a bigot because he’s almost dead.

Conquer Racism!

Finally! A book brave enough to take on this subject.

Conquer Old People!

They’re our greatest resource. Let’s burn them for energy!

Conquer the Apocalypse!

There’s more to it than just drinking your own pee.

Conquer the Afterlife!

Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t still kick ass.