Last night, I had sex…twice. First with a forest witch, and then immediately afterward with a bisexual assassin.

Before you start spreading crazy rumors around the Interwebz, let me be more specific: I wiggled my way into Morrigan’s arms after giving her 943 gifts and then easily (almost shockingly easy) convinced Zevran to have his way with me in Dragon Age: Origins. Yes, this game offers the chance to have sex with women, men, and even multiple partners at once if you plot enough. That’s great and all. Too bad the actual sex is silly and uncomfortable to sit through.

However, I like that sex is there and that BioWare is willing to make it a part of the game, whether vital or not. So far, it’s all been optional. Getting someone in bed naturally raises their liking of you, but you also have to be careful because your camp is open to all eyes, and certain someones might be disappointed in seeing the Grey Warden put the moves on somebody else.

But back to the uncomfortableness. In Mass Effect, you could woo some of your female/male companions (depending on your gender) and have an intimate moment before things really hit the fan at the Citadel. This made the sex emotional and important, and it was a short scene, with quick glimpses of positions and fingers running here and there and a sense that bodies were in motion. Nothing too crazy, and certainly not worthy of major news channels freaking out. The same could almost be said of Dragon Age: Origins except this time it’s not emotional and important, and with the already weak Xbox 360 graphics…it’s laughable.

I don’t have so much a problem with undressed Morrigan…though her breasts seem to remain magically motionless throughout all the turning and bouncing. Heck, even Zevran was fine. It’s the Grey Warden. He/she is always ugly no matter how hard you try to design them during the character creation phase, and they never look like they are enjoying anything. At one point, with Zevran, my mage grimaced in pain (I’ll let you speculate why). Add to this cheesy “romantic” music and campfire, and well, you’ve got silly sex. Which is a shame because the dialogue leading up to and after the penultimate act is superb, full of life and wit and shy flirting. I’d almost wish they’d faded to black à la Fable II and just let our imaginations run wild.

Well, that’s two out of four:

Witch Gone Wild (10G): Experienced the thrill of romance with Morrigan

Easy Lover (10G): Experienced the thrill of romance with Zevran

All that’s left now is to woo Alistair and Leliana. Poor Shale gets no action…