Zeets: You’re not going to believe what this woman said to me when I called. “Let’s meet for a bagel.” What the fuck is that? Let’s meet for a bagel?!

Me: It’s possible for a woman to kill your motivation to see her with just five words.

Zeets: Ah, not to worry, I knew what she was up to. I set her straight and told her “No, we’re meeting at a club that night.” She quickly agreed. I could tell she was overjoyed that I didn’t accept her terms.

Me: There’s nothing more asexual than a brunch date. Sitting there in the middle of the day, spreading cream cheese on your bagel. “Oh this sesame seed bagel is delicious. What do you think? How is your marathon training going?” You want to get a girl into a sexy lounge with alcohol in her.

Zeets: I knew as soon as she said that what type of girl I was dealing with. She’s dated a parade of herbs, one after another, and probably had a bagel date with every single one. I bet they were happy to go. I can just picture these herbs riding up on their ten speeds, taking off their helmets and fanny packs, and giving her a dead fish handshake. [Zeets imitating whiny herb voice] “Ah, ah, nice to see you. I really love bagels. This was a great idea. And, uh, and so it begins.” She wasn’t used to a silverback like me spoiling her script.

Me: She was begging for a caveman to come along and throw her bagels in her face.

Zeets: I was onto her. These girls try to squeeze you into their agenda. Their first instinct is to see if you’ll let them cut off your balls. Most herbs gladly give it up. “Here are my balls! Snip away!” I wasn’t going to let her do that to me. So I brought her back to that time when she was just blossoming into her womanhood and men were exciting to her. I made her feel like a giggling girl again.

Me: That’s all they need. A man to remind them what it was like before modern city life corrupted them.

Zeets: In other news, I removed my old toilet seat and replaced it with a shiny new one. It looks spectacular.

Me: Did your bulk splinter the old one? Who changes their toilet seat?

Zeets: It’s a good investment. Lifts the spirit to see that glittering new throne. A seat fit for a king’s crap! You should try pampering yourself once in a while, pig.