Scene: A local pool hall. Stick in hand.

ME: I’m gonna need you to move aside so I can take this award-winning shot. You might want to take a picture.

GIRL: [sarcastically] Oh excuse me! I don’t want to interrupt your concentration.

ME: [I take the shot and scratch] You’re bad luck.

GIRL: [laughing] I’m sure that was it.

ME: [I leave to get a beer at the bar, then return and sit on a stool next to her. She is sitting comfortably out of earshot of her friends.] I have a confession to make.

GIRL: I don’t like the sound of this.

ME: The pool thing was just a ruse to capture your attention. I know it worked because you’re still sitting here, hanging on my every word.

GIRL: I don’t know if I’d call it hanging. Maybe laughing at every word.

ME: [thinking to myself this girl is filled with spit and vinegar. it’s on!] I’m going to seduce you and I will tell you how I will do it. First, I noticed you from across the room. I don’t think you saw me noticing you, but that doesn’t matter.

GIRL: [wide-eyed look] Ooookay.

ME: Then I decided I would talk to you. It was a quick decision; less than one second, really. I avoided any possible discomfort of breaking the ice by teasing you with the first words out of my mouth.

GIRL: [folding her arms and nodding her head] This is getting good.

ME: Then I gently knocked your ego in line by saying you’re bad luck. This part was important because all women are born with bigger egos than they deserve, and this makes romance difficult.

GIRL: So this was all a script then? That’s not very romantic.

ME: The concept was scripted, not the words. Now notice how I’m sitting here with my body a little turned away from you. I do this so that I don’t look like I’m *that* interested in talking with you.

GIRL: Why would that make me interested in you?

ME: Women want men who show some disinterest. Also, you may not have noticed this, but when I came over and said I had a confession to make, I put my hand on your forearm. Briefly. It was too quick and subtle to be obvious. It’s important that I break the physical barrier in a non-threatening way as soon as possible, but to do it so that you barely notice. It’s an art form.

GIRL: Actually, I did notice.

ME: You’re just saying that now. As we sit here and talk, I’m going to move my body a little towards you as you begin to impress me more with your conversation skill. Soon, we will be facing head on.

GIRL: What if I turn away?

ME: You won’t, but if you do, I turn my back on you until you rejoin the best conversation you will have all year.

GIRL: That’s a big claim!

ME: It’s also another part of my seduction of you. A little arrogance is attractive to women.

GIRL: I’m not a big fan of arrogant men.

ME: Just wait, you will be. So now you see I am smiling, but not too much. Smiling too much looks goofy. You’ve said a few funny things that impressed me.

GIRL: I think in a seduction it’s the man who’s supposed to impress the woman.

ME: This is what most men think, but it’s not true. A good seduction surprises you. Next, I ask you questions that show I’m a discriminating man who wants more than just looks in a woman. Looks are overrated. So for instance, I will now ask you if you have more than 20 pairs of shoes.

GIRL: I don’t, but what difference does that make?

ME: A girl with too many shoes is high maintenance. You’re not high maintenance, are you?

GIRL: I probably am, but don’t let that stop you.

ME: Now I mirror your body language and facial expressions. This is a subtle psychological ploy that makes you think we are soulmates. It’s all on the subconscious level.

GIRL: Really.

ME: I can see your interest level is peaking. Here comes the best part. Right when I notice your interest level is high, I disqualify myself as a potential lover.

GIRL: Disqualify?

ME: Yes, I will tell you, like I’m telling you now, that we could never work out, you’re way too cynical for me.

GIRL: I’m cynical? I guess after all this I am.

ME: Then I would tell you a story that warms your heart, such as the time I saved my 3 year old niece from falling down the stairs. I might also drop a mention of my stripper ex-girlfriend, which will intrigue you.

GIRL: Intrigue me? I’m not lesbian, if that’s what you mean.

ME: No, you would be intrigued in the same way men are intrigued by women in sexy cocktail dresses and high heels.

GIRL: You’ve really given this a lot of thought.

ME: Hold on… finally, I will tell you to join me on the couch over there, so that we can talk in more privacy about deeper things. Then I would whisper a secret in your ear, which would arouse you. Whispering is very arousing. If the moment is right, and it usually is, I would kiss you. Since you are now twirling your hair, I would expect the kiss will happen.

GIRL: [stops twirling her hair] How does twirling my hair mean a kiss is going to happen?

ME: Hair twirling is a sign of romantic interest.

GIRL: Or maybe it’s just a habit.

ME: Maybe, but not likely. After the kiss, if I’m feeling it, I would invite you back to my place to admire my photographs.

GIRL: And if I declined to go?

ME: I would take your phone number instead.

GIRL: And I would give it?

ME: You would give it.

GIRL: And you wouldn’t call.

ME: Who knows? But you would relish the anticipation.

We talked for another twenty minutes, and I did eventually secure the digits.

A photo of a heavily bearded man on Halloween: