Say you’re texting a girl you’ve recently raw-dogged hard, twice, when in the middle of trying to set up something for later she texts something along the lines of, “That’s good cuz I don’t romance nobody, [sic] for real tho I have a boyfriend, what happened Sunday will never happen again,” (yes she is white, ungh). [ed: we’re doomed]

It’s not that I am really into this particular slore, it’s just that the line sounds so cliche I feel like I need in-pocket responses to it. I don’t have any girl-with-a-guy game.

My gut instinct is to just send “lol” or “cool.” Or “Yeah I know, I’m not going to that bar again,” “I feel ya, I tried to cum in your mouth but I slipped,” or “I hope not, your 5 o’clock pussy shadow hurts, my dick feels like I tried to fuck an angry cat.”

I don’t like any of those replies, although “lol” and “cool” could be used in a pinch as a substitute for something better, and of those two, “lol” is preferred. (“cool” radiates a hint of strained butthurtyness.) And any reply longer than three words is TRY HARD BETAMAX. Unless you’re really witty. (The “not going to that bar again” line isn’t half bad, actually. Still, it’s best to err on the side of terseness.)

I can’t tell whether this girl really has a BF, or if she’s lying and it’s just a garden variety shit test. Regardless, her escapades with you — escapades, mind you, that likely would have gotten her pregnant in the environment of evolutionary adaptation, before the Pill existed! — have probably triggered her anti-slut defense, and she is drawing back into the comforting fold of her blissfully ignorant boyfriend’s real or invisible arms.

The best text reply, in my bombastic opinion, is this:

“right”

Her hamster will frig the fuck out wondering if you were being sincere or sarcastic. Either way, you win. Don’t forget: no punctuation! She doesn’t deserve your attention to syntax. And skip out on the follow-up. This sounds like a case where she will have to find her way back to you.

(There used to be a guy who commented here who would reply to flaky cancellations or IHAB texts from girls with a simple “gay”. I always thought that was a great alpha response. Another masterfully aloof reply that assumes the sale is “gay. next time you’re buying drinks.”)