I could use your advice on a fading opportunity. I need to act quickly because I’m moving across town.

I have a smoking hot neighbor living next door to me. She has a gorgeous face, the kind where her smile lights up a room. Slim, fit, great posture, perfect skin. We rarely meet. She knows I am divorced and have two daughters. She also knows I have a steady girlfriend (a solid 9, but enough about her). She must have heard me by now making my gf squeal because my bedroom borders her living room.

She lives alone, but she’s rarely at home, and I’m not home that much either. From time to time I see her clothes drying on her balcony.

I’m 44, average height, fit, above average looks and I can pass for being in my early 30s. She’s in her late 20s, educated, humble but not shy. I saw her with a dorky guy getting out of an expensive car once. That’s as much as I know.

So what’s the play?

Ok, honored Chateau guests… what’s the play? Winner (as deemed by yer preening narrator or by the reader’s successful F close) will receive a tender, Palmolive softened tug job from John Scalzi, the sci fi writer and male feminist whose pre-teen daughter can lift more weight than him.

My advice: You need to get sexual fast, but in a plausibly deniable way. Think situational opener. You see her clothes drying on her balcony. Any panties? Next time you’re able to chat with her, remark that she should be more careful about what kinds of clothes she dries outside for the whole world to see. Tell her it sends a message. This should get the ball rolling, and rolling fast if she already harbored some interest in you.

Now it’s the commenters’ turn. Hopefully our resident game experts will chime in. I didn’t hand out those VIP passes for my health!