• I never make “air quotes” with my fingers when I’m talking, but I do lean to the side & whisper so you sense I’m italicizing.

• I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

• What kind of sick fuck figured out that you can make a cake out of carrots?

• At least once in our life, we all have tried to balance the light switch in between the on and off position.

• I wish I had the self-confidence and assertiveness of the Adobe Acrobat updater.

• If we have 75 mutual friends on Facebook and we aren’t friends, the likelihood that I fucking hate you is 100%.

• “I thought I was happy, but then you revved your engine so loudly and I realised YOU are what’s been missing from my life” – No girl, ever.

• SMS codes for seniors: BTW – Bring the Wheelchair FWIW – Forgot Where I Was LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again.

• It was recently discovered that Pluto is not actually a dog.

• I’ll never have the conviction of a jogger who runs in place while waiting for the red light to turn.

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