• The problem with cuddling in bed with your true love is that Smart Phones don’t cuddle back.

• If you still pay for DVDs I have a Typewriter and a VCR I want to sell you.

• If someone asks what you’re doing today, grab a knife & yell “SOMETHING I SHOULD’VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO!” Sounds way cooler than “Napping!”

• If she’s naming your wedding album on facebook “wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!” she’s too young for you bro.

• I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.

• Don’t necessarily nominate me for sainthood, but today I gave a VERY ugly woman directions.

• I hate it when I pee in my pants and people think its just water that splashed on my crotch from washing my hands.

• Modern day camping is an uncharged phone.

• “I have something I’d like to get off my chest.” – Guy with three nipples

• Shot through the heart and you’re to blame. You give archers who shoot apples off of people’s heads a bad name. #bonJovi

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