“My life has been a constant toil of pain and darkness, I feel I have been used, abused and finally cast off. Unloved and unwanted.” The envelope sobbed.

“Argh, talking envelope!” screamed Davina, “What the fuck? How are you alive?”

“Would you calm down?” said the envelope, “You’re freaking me out!”

“You’re a talking envelope, that’s weird and scary!” said Davina, “I’m going to set fire to you and burn you so you can’t talk to me anymore!” She began looking round for a lighter.

“Hello [I’m from the government and I’m here to help]!” said Ronald Reagan, bursting through the door!

“What the hell?” yelled the envelope.

“Talking envelope!” screamed Ronald Reagan.

“Shoot it!” said Davina

“With what?” asked Ronald Reagan.

“Your Ray Gun!” Davina said.

“It’s just a name” Ronald Reagan explained.

“Oh…” said Davina her voice trailing off.

“[I think you’re ignoring my feelings,” the envelope explained, “because whilst you are over there screaming and shouting and planning some sort of papery homicide, I’m over here with a broken envelope heart,] I’m hurt,” said the envelope.

“I…I don’t care…you’re just an envelope,” said Ronald Reagan, turning away.

“You love the en…” Davina began.

“It would never work,” said Reagan.

“What are you saying?” asked the envelope.

“You’re made of paper…”

“What does that matter?”

“It matters ok!”

“I can’t take this anymore!” screamed Davina and she left.

“Now we’re alone,” said the envelope.

“I love you,” said Ronald Reagan.

“I love you too,” said the envelope.