I highly doubt a Nintendo executive would read this site. I imagine that a pool of lowly Nintendo employees had to draw straws which assigned them to different sites. The short straw was this site.

I imagine some poor Nintendo employee being forced to read through this sites’ rantings and ravings as he pounds the table, looks up toward the ceiling, and says, “Why is this job so cruel to me? Why? Why?” I imagine that a “punishment” for the younger Nintendo employees is that they are inflicted with having to read this site. “If you do not perform well, then…” “NO! Not that! Anything but that!” “Yes. If you do not perform well, then you are assigned to read Malstrom’s site for the next two weeks.” “Nooooo!!!”

Feeling sorry for that unfortunate soul who is assigned to read this site, I try to cheer him or her up with pictures of bunnies and kittens.

Above: Something for the poor Nintendo employee so he/she doesn’t feel so bad after reading this website.

It is true that Cammie Dunaway died on the first goomba. But at least she has an excuse: she was playing on stage at the E3 Conference and her mind was likely on the other lines she had to give in the show.

YOU, however, are not on stage before the world. You don’t have to give further public lines. You are at home, safe and secure. So if you die on that first goomba, bzzzztt! Pathetic gamer! Unworthy of Super Mario 5!