Iker and Sara vs. Atleti

Sara: Iker, I’m your girlfriend, right?

Iker: Sara, I’m in the middle of work right now.

Sara: I’ll leave you alone if you just close your eyes, please, please…

Iker: Ok, but it’ll have to be fast.  Why am I such a good boyfriend, and an even better person?

Sara: What are you doing?

Iker: Closing my eyes to give you a kiss…

Sara: What are you saying?  I wanted you to close them when Atleti is attacking!  Let’s go Forlán!  Let’s go Atleti!

Iker: Are you crazy?  What’s wrong with you?

Sara: I’m fed up!  Ever since the Liga started, you’ve been ignoring me.

Iker: Sara, you have to understand, if I continue like this, I can win the Zamora Trophy this year for sure [it’s given to the goalkeeper with the lowest goals to game ratio].

Sara: What an egoist.  You only think about your career [carrera, in Spanish].

Iker: At least I have one, not like you.  You haven’t even finished yours yet [carrera can also mean university degree, and Sara in real life is one course from finishing her degree in journalism].

Sara: Hahaha, how funny.  Let’s see how much you laugh when I tell you that I’m going to invite my mother to come live with us.

Iker: No, not your mother, no, please, please!

Sara: Well, allow a goal, or you’ll see what’s waiting for you… Foul in our favor!  I’m going to call my mother to tell her to start packing…

Iker (thinking): What should I do?  Let the ball in and lose my sainthood, or stop the ball and have to spend all my Fridays watching “Sálvame Deluxe” [a really horrific gossip show on Telecinco with really annoying presenters].

Zamora: Save the ball, Iker.  It’s your obligation as a goalkeeper.

Iker: Wow!  It’s Ricardo Zamora!

Sara’s mother: Save it, but know that on Tuesdays and Thursdays you’re going to play with me and my friend… and you’re going to be my partner!

Zamora: Don’t pay attention to your mother-in-law.

Iker: What should I do???  What should I do??

Zamora: El madridismo has faith in you.  I’m leaving now.

Sara’s mother: Goodbye Iker.  But know that tonight I’ll be waiting for you to give me a massage.

Iker (thinking): None of that.  It’s one thing to be a good person, but another to be an idiot.  One goal won’t hurt.  Come on, shoot, shoot!  No… Zamora!  Sara, my love, it wasn’t me!  I didn’t do anything!  It was that man in the hat!  He’s a ghost, but it was him!  I swear it!

Mou and Cristiano

Reporter: (asks something along the lines of if Cristiano’s new boots were the reason why he didn’t score against Atlético).

Cris: What are you saying, idiot.  It was because of the players of Atleti, who didn’t stop pushing me.  Because they’re idiots, and ugly.  My boots are perfect, like me.  You want to see them?  I’m still wearing them.

Mou: Cristiano, what are you doing, wearing your new boots?  I told you not to wear them until the game against Barcelona…

Reporter: (asks something along the lines of why wait until the Barcelona game).

Mou: It’s the tactic that I’m preparing for Nou Camp.  We’ll be playing like Inter, wasting time and diving.  I’m prepared…

Reporter: (asks something along the lines of why Mou needs the snorkeling gear).

Mou: It’s for when we win.  And they turn on the sprinklers [referring to the end of the 2010 CL semifinal between Barcelona and Inter].  With my swimsuit and these glasses, I can last there until the next day.

Mou and Cris: (evil laughter).

Mou: Cristiano, why are you laughing?

Cris: I’m laughing of Janeiro (in Spanish, it’s me río de janeiro, like the Brazilian city, also a song by Spanish pop group Mecano).  Now, if you’ll all excuse me…

Mou, Cristiano and Sergio

Sergio: Come on, we’ll have to step it up if we want to beat those from Murcia, the murciélagos [murciélago means “bat” in Spanish, but sounds similar to how you would refer to a person from Murcia, which is murciano].

Cris: No, you idiot, the people from Murcia are called… people.

Sergio: Ahhh, of course!  How smart you are, Cristiano!

Cris: Hold on, what do you have here?  A new tattoo?

Sergio: No, I didn’t get a new tattoo.

Cris: It’s a cross [cruz, in Spanish].

Sergio: Cruz? Why does that word sound familiar?  (Thinking)  How hot is… Penélope Cruz… no, that’s not it.  How hot is… Mónica Cruz…  That’s not it either.  How hot is… Tom Cruise.

Mou flashback: Whoever doesn’t play well will be eliminated from my list (le pongo una cruz) and will be dead to me.

Sergio: If I don’t work hard, he’s going to kill me!

Cris: Oh, míster…

Sergio: 299,999, and 300,000 push-ups to help me stay in shape and be prepared for games.

Mou: Very good Sergio, very good!

Sergio: Míster, do you feel like a coffee?  A pastry?  A massage?  Your nice suit doesn’t match the bad mood you seem to be in.

Mou: You want something, don’t you?

Sergio: Don’t kill me, I’m very young, I’m only 24.

Mou: But why would I kill you?

Cris: Because he has a cross, he’s dead.

Mou: No, the only person who I’ve given a cross to is Benzema, and it’s not that big of a deal, right Karim?

Sergio & Cris: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Sergio: Stop, you’re hurting me!

Cris: Wait, there’s something else.

Sergio: A, X, pan.  This is something complicated.  An Egyptian bat?

Mou: No, not a hieroglyphic.  It says, “a por pan” [the “x” is shorthand for the Spanish word “por”].

Cris: A por pan?

Sergio: A por pan?

Mou: A por pan!  [It means to go get bread].

Sergio: Ahhh, por pan!  Ahhh, now I remember!  I wrote that because I had to go get bread!  It’s only that!

Cris: Idiot.

Mou: To go buy bread for my sandwich.  You haven’t forgotten, have you?  You are dead.

Sergio: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

And go here for Guti, and here for some bloopers!