The episode started with the following warning:  “No Madrid players were harmed in the making of this program.  That was yesterday.” [The episode aired one day after the match, on Nov. 30.]

Pep: They’ll want to make us nervous, but I don’t want any provoking, is that clear?  We have to be gentlemanly with them…

Iniesta: It’s a good thing you warned us, because my blood is beginning to boil… well, are we going to start or what?

Mou: Hello, Don Pepito.

Pep: Hello, Don José.

Mou: We’re going to win in your house.

Pep: You’re never going to win here.

Mou: We’re going to make your grandmother cry (I’m guessing here… feel free to correct me.)

Pep: Shut up and play the game.

Mou: Goodbye, Don Pepito.

Pep: Goodbye, Don José.

Mou: Ah, and you can start preparing the sprinklers for after the game.

Iniesta: The truth is, he is a bit of a clown, that he is.

Iniesta: Jolín, vaya palo, ¿no?

Messi: But it hit the post.

Iniesta: No, I said what a disappointment [“vaya palo” can mean several different things], since we could be up 1-0 now.  But no worries, because today I am super-motivated [he actually said “ultra Mou-tivado].  For me, telling you a joke is the same as giving you an assist for a goal.  I’m a multitasker.  I can even tell you a joke and assist on a goal at the same time.  Watch.  ¿Sales minerales?  No, estoy castigado. [It’s a very bad joke, not worth explaining.]

Messi: Goal!!  I have good vibrations today.  Oh, it’s my mobile.  How annoying is La Cubero [sports journalist Cristina Cubero, from Mundo Deportivo].  Let’s go, we still have four left.  Let’s go…

CR: Give me the ball, quickly.

Pep: If I have to give it to you, I’ll give it, but giving it to you for the sake of giving it to you…

CR: Give it to me!

Pep: But, but why are you in such a hurry?  Why are you in a hurry?  Are you losing 5-0?  Look at this, where is the ball?  Here or here?  Where is the ball?  Here or here?

Iniesta: What are you doing!  Nobody pushes the míster!

Messi: Well, Eto’o did…

Iniesta: He’s not here any more, so be more careful, boy!

CR: Oh yeah?  And who’s going to stop me?

Iniesta: Shhh…  I already did it in the other clásico, so stay calm boy, stay calm.  And now, concentrate, concentrate.  Right… left… stick out your tongue…

Pep: ¡Ostras! Wow!  Can I try?  Sit down!  Go left!  Get out!  Andrés, that’s fantastic.  Does it work on all the Madrid players?

Iniesta: La verdad que sí… there’s no player that can resist me.

Özil: Can I take the ball?

Pep: Andrés!

Iniesta: Yes, concentrate, concen…

Özil: Left, right, left, right…. but give me the ball, you bastard!

Villa: Take that Mourinho, take that!  And you said I wasn’t capable of scoring on anyone!  And I’ve scored a pair of goals!

Mou: I have nothing to say, because… because I’m not Mourinho, I’m Preciado.  And Mourinho is a canalla.

Villa: My goals are marvellous, but your imitation is pathetic.

Mou: I’m not imitating anyone!  I’m really Preciado!   I’m from the same region as you!

Villa: How immature.

Mou: I’m not immature.

Sergio: Mou, Mou, Mou… this is stupid but they’ve just scored five on us.  What should we do now?

Mou: I already told you I’m not Mourinho, I don’t have anything to say.

Crowd/Villa/Iniesta: Mourinho, come out from the bench, come out.

Sergio: Wow, that’s really cool.  Can I sing with you all?

Villa: Well, you all have already spent 90 minutes singing the blues…

Sergio: Come on… ¡eo eo eo, esto es un chorreo!

Messi: ¡La concha de tu madre!  [See here.]

Sergio: But my mother’s name is not Concha.

Mou: But what are you doing?  I only told you to waste time!

Sergio: How was I to know?  Each time you whisper in my ear, it’s to tell me to get myself kicked out of the game, like against Ajax… Let’s see.  Where is Puyol?  I’m going to break his face!

Messi: You’re not touching Puyol, you understand?

Sergio: No?  But that’s what happened in the actual game!

Messi: But you can’t, because the same actor plays you and Puyol!  It would be like hitting yourself in the face!

Sergio: So in other words, if I want to break Puyol’s face, I would have to do it to myself.  Well, I’m going to break it.

Don’t bother me!

Ah, it’s true, he answered!

You’re worse than Queca!

What did he say?  That I’m worse than Queca?

Take that Queca!

In Andalucían or Catalán?

Shut up!

Children of Crackòvia, a lot of people say I’m stupid.  And as you saw yesterday…. or not.  Yes.