SR: Míster, how come I’m not playing today?

JM: Because you accumulated too many cards.

SR: For accumulation of cards, he says?  But I don’t have any, the referee has all of them.

KB: Míster, míster, how come I’m not playing?

JM: Because you accumulated too many errors, or in other words, because you suck.

SR: Look míster, there’s Cristiano, making friends.

CR: And who are you?  How much do you earn?  I’m sure you don’t have 200 million euros in the bank (banco in Spanish).

SR: Cristiano’s just like Florentino.  He has millions on (in) the bench (also banco in Spanish – referring to Benzema).  Get it Karim?  Haha, your name is Karim, it’s “Karímsimo” (sounds like “carísimo,” which means very expensive in Spanish).

JM/SR/KB: Pass it, Cristiano!  Shoot it!  What are you doing?

CR: It’s because I want to score a hat trick like that idiot Messi.  I can’t stand it if he’s the pichichi!

JM: I have the solution.  The mirror technique.  Boys, come here!

You’re going to hold these mirrors in front of your face.  So when Cristiano sees you, he’ll think he’s seeing himself and he’ll pass you the ball.  Hurry up, he’s coming!

CR: What a handsome player!  It’s the 21st century’s Di Stéfano!  Oh, can I give you a kiss?

JM: NO!!  No, no, you can’t give a kiss.  What you have to give is the ball!  Pass it to this one.

CR: Of course!

JM: Ok, let’s play!  Go go go!

JM: What is that horrible noise?

SR: It’s nothing míster.  Luis Canut is just about to start on Punto Pelota.

KM: The míster has put in Canales before me.  I’m going to self-immolate like they’re doing in Egypt.

SR: No, don’t do that.  I bet you that “the vacuum cleaner” will fail today and won’t score a goal.

Hey Cristiano, we won today thanks to God.

CR: No, not thanks to God, thanks to me.  I scored all four goals.

SR: What?  Are you seeing double like Özil?  You didn’t score four goals, you scored… two.

CR: I scored four goals because all of the players have the same face as me, so all four goals are mine.

JM: That’s right.  That’s the truth, he scored all four goals.

SR: Why are you defending him like you were his father?

JM: It’s because I am… his father.

CR: Thank you, papá.

JM: Now if you excuse me, Florentino wants to see me in his office.

JM: President, you wanted to see me?  What is HE doing here?

FP: Jorge is my right hand man.  There are no secrets between him and me.

JV: He doesn’t have secrets with me, but he does have secrets with you!

FP: Enough already!  It can’t continue like this.  We’re second, seven points behind Barcelona.  Do whatever you do as a coach to make us first!  I want Real Madrid to be the leader by next Sunday.

JM: In the first place, that’s impossible.  In the second place, if we end up second, it’s alright for me, just like I said yesterday.

MP: I would pay attention to what the “presi” said.  Look at me, the team managed a record number of points and here I am today.

JR: The same for me.  I was the best Spanish coach and now I’m a relic.

FP: You know that you’re my favorite coach, right?

MP: When he signed me, he told me the exact same thing.

JR: And now, no one remembers us.

FP: But don’t you see, in Real Madrid, no one is indispensable.  José, what I want to say is that you have to win the Liga.  If not…

JM: If not what?

FP: Well, if not, there is only one solution.  I don’t know if you understand me.

JM: Of course.

MP: Welcome to the club!

JR: What a surprise!

JV: Presi, I told you that it wasn’t a good idea to hire Mourinho.

FP: This is intolerable!  I demand that you give back my chair right now!

MP: Now you know what it’s like to have your head chopped off!

JM: Silence!  I can’t concentrate!

JR: What a character!

A day in the life of Mesut Özil

N:  Real Madrid player Mesut Özil is known for his supernatural ability to envision how the game will unfold.

SR:  Why did you pass the ball over there?  You kicked it to one of their defenders!

MO:  Because the defender will make a mistake… right now, the ball will bounce off his head, the goalkeeper will mess up and… goal!!!

SR:  ?

MO: Özil.

SR:  Or no.  But how did you see all that?

MO:  Oh, and be careful with pigeons, because one of them is going to drop something on you.

SR:  What pigeon?

N:  He developed this ability through tough training sessions…

MO:  Wally is here.  And here.  And here…

N:  Thanks to this ability, Özil can view several different TV shows all at the same time.

MO: No, no, don’t do it!  Hahaha, how great is Crackòvia!!  Etc.

N:  With his extraordinary vision, he never messes up.

MO:  That ass makes me hungry.

N:  Well, almost never.