inner mind’s eye view, perhaps shattered by shock

concave glass distorted,

a feeling of chest tightened

fright…collapse

or action, spurred by despair, by a weird calmness that drives you to find, search for reconnect to

those loved ones who right in that moment are foremost in your heart, your thoughts, who are you know not where,

you hope, safe.

You stand in Latimer Square, on grass, that you look at at your feet, to anchor you.

As you’d come out of the building in which you feared you would have stayed trapped,

you looked in shock at a 9/11 scenario across at what

had been minutes before the place you’d had a 1:30 appointment that day…

the CTV building.

Now smoke and clouds of grey, whirled about and you

seeking reassurance

looked to the trees around, leaves rustling, alive, unmoved but by the winds for the nearby firestorm,

for you trees had always been a  calm presence,

a surety of permanence…

the ground continued to shake, you punched your daughters’ numbers

into your phone, no reply. Then suddenly your phone rang

“Mum are you all right?” It was your son’s voice

calling from his parliamentary office.

You said yes, asked him to keep trying to reach his sisters.

You checked on others from your building, sitting weeping as they too could not reach loved ones.

You asked your supervisor if you could go, thinking to drive to find

those beloved daughters and 4 year old granddaughter Josephine  and 3 week old Aramea.

You found your car, you could drive it, but not where you so longed to go, to your daughters,

streets you found crumpled, bent, bridges out of kilter

but you walked to your car,through a morass of liquefaction.

Driving hoping to head to the hills, you learned from gesticualtions of people heading off directing traffic and from your car radio no, no way to go, centre of the shock was there, numb, you drove in a maze, fazed,

finally the ten minute drive home to ilam was concluded

after two hours

of stop and start,

rock and roll, brakes on waiting for quakes to halt and you halted,

tried to breathe, tried again your ohone

in vain.

You locked your car doors and windows watching

folk disoriented, dazed walking the other way.

Your focus on home, medical, food supplies and

going back by bike to search for your heart’s dearest.

You fed the dog, he wagging his tail at the gate.

You checked his water dish, put out another, left him food.

Inside your house seemed ok, doors stiff, windows not opening,

but.

You tried to phone your girls agian realised no power.

Got candles, matches, a foil blanket, First aid food tin oener,

put all in a backpack,

got your cycle out, pump, patted the dog bye, distracted,

went to a neighbour, got tyres pumped

and adrenaline still coursing through you went back

over bumps, around lumps,passed houses slumped,

people dumped

by the road, at the kerb, recycling their lives,

you pedalled on…

by Hagley Park you got a text “House gone south Timaru”

you realised that was elder daughter’s message.

At almost the same time one from younger daughter, beloved Tams

‘Where you mum?” I replied

“On my way to you, on bike, car out of petrol,

couldn’t get across roads anyway, see you soon.”

Into the Red Zone I went, not questioned by police

and army already personnel behind sandbag  barricades.

I guess I looked like I was going home.

I guess it was an hour or two before they began

questioning the right of people to be anywhere!

I got to my daughter’s old house, partly cracked

through, garage rubble alongside,

fences hanging crazily.

I set my cycle down. Hugged her. We retold

where we had been. Her flatmate was there too.

We realised all of us were lucky to be alive

we’d changed plans for the day, made calls earlier

that variously had changed our plans, saved our lives.